What Would Jesus’s Resume Say?

Some years ago I saw a set of resumes created by not-yet-graduated university students. They were all three to four pages long. This is too long, and I said to my daughter “Even Jesus Christ’s resume fits on one page”. His resume was then revealed to us during an epic road trip and I was inspired to share it with the world:

Jesus Christ (Lamb of God/King of the Jews)
ImmanuelTheChrist@gmail.comhttps://twitter.com/RealJesus888,
https://www.linkedin.com/in/your-personal-savior,
https://marysfavorite.wordpress.com/

Career goals
  – Seeking rewarding career helping others. Good work life balance a requirement.

Job experience
  Head of Protestant Church, AD 1517-present
    – Divorce and annulment services 
    – Oversaw witch trials
  Head of Catholic Church, AD 31-1516
    – Consultant to popes

    – Indulgences sales rep (always be closing!)
  Sitting at the right hand of the father, AD 31-present
    – Judging the quick, dead
  Prophet, caterer, unlicensed medical practitioner, AD 26-30
    – Worked with a limited budget to feed thousands
    – Supplier of fine wine
    – Healing the blind/lame, raising the dead
    – Managing team of twelve disciples
  Carpenter, AD 20-26
    – Responsible for building many items including sanding blocks, bird feeders, and miniature arks

Skills
  – Typing, 40 wpm
  – Proficient in Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and Aramaic
  – Walking on water

Publications
  – Co-author of New Testament, “The Wrath of John”
  – Transubstantiation for Dummies
  – One Weird Trick to Cure Leprosy
  – The Book of Mormon (golden tablets)
  – The Book of Mormon (musical)

References

Name Job title Contact information
Mary Magdalene Prostitute theothermary@backpage.com
John The Baptist john@wilderness.com
The Holy Spirit Pentacostifier ghost@god.god
God God god@god.god
Peter Disciple simon@galileefishmongers.com

(please don’t contact the references, I haven’t got their permission yet. You may contact Me with questions)

Update: Apparently the LinkedIn account of the Lamb Of God, Son of Man, aka Immanuel has been restricted. It will be unrestricted when I shows my government issued ID, which I don’t have.

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About brucedawson

I'm a programmer, working for Google, focusing on optimization and reliability. Nothing's more fun than making code run 10x faster. Unless it's eliminating large numbers of bugs. I also unicycle. And play (ice) hockey. And sled hockey. And juggle. And worry about whether this blog should have been called randomutf-8.
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13 Responses to What Would Jesus’s Resume Say?

  1. Dave Rolsky says:

    Why did Jesus use a picture of some random white dude instead of his own pic for Twitter and LinkedIn? That’s kind of weird.

  2. JCG79 says:

    Who’s head of the Catholic Church since 1516?

  3. munks says:

    Pretty good! My only question is why 888? Good/lucky numbers usually come in multiples of 7 or 12, except in Asian countries where 888 would be awesome.

    • brucedawson says:

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/888_(number)

      Specifically, if you search Jesus Christ Number you find a lot of references to 888, and a lot of social-media variations of JesusChris888 were taken already, which perversely proved that that was an appropriate name to use.

      • munks says:

        I stand corrected and learned something new. Looking at the Wikipedia entry for 777 also shows several religious connotations as I expected. And then of course there’s the ‘opposite’ side represented with 666 (although there’s robust debate about whether the number was actually 616).

  4. Marc C says:

    Bruce, hilarious! He did go through a dark period in the Old West however, when oddly, you would have expected much of his resume experience to have been unregulated…[image: jesus_wanted.jpg]

  5. Joe Smith says:

    Looks to me as if Jesus is trying to hide that period from his resume where he met with the Native Americans of North America. Tsk tsk …

  6. Skills: – Walking on water XD Awesome!

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